This Particular Wednesday in America

Poetry by Rudy Francisco

I have a major headache. I attribute it to allergies and living in America at this time. 

I never watch debates and ended up doing so last night because MFD was watching it downstairs due to our TV upstairs needing reconnecting and we can't figure it out hashtag old people and Jesus take the fucking wheel. 

I am bothered by many things today, but top on the list are

1) Instead of denouncing white supremacy simply and concisely as he was given the floor specifically to do he told the Proud Boys to Stand Back and Stand By, which they are taking exactly as he meant it to be taken. 

2) People are going to vote for him EVEN THOUGH you should not be President of the United States of America if you cannot denounce white supremacy. He did mean it, it wasn't taken out of context, and if you vote for him you support systemic racism and white supremacy because you are unbothered enough by it to vote for him. Period. I'll give you your 2016 vote. This 2020 vote, there is absolutely no mistaking how racist this man is and what supporting that with a vote on Election Day means. That's on you. You're riding in the same car. You are and/or are with white supremacists or you're with the rest of us. That's it. That's the whole line. 

3) He is encouraging violence, voter suppression, and voter intimidation as evidenced by his idiot "poll watchers" rant in which HE TOLD HIS SUPPORTERS TO GO WATCH POLLS and said they were kicked out in Philadelphia. No one who is not an official poll watcher (you can sign up for these things, it's how democracy works) has the right to watch polls. It is voter intimidation, it is illegal, it should be reported to the Judge of Elections at your polling place and the ACLU, and if it were ever to happen to me I'd be taking a million photos of those people and wilding the hell OUT. That is fascist. That is not how America works. How can you flag wavers - I know you know that's not how things work - support this? 

4) VERY BAD THINGS IN PHILADELPHIA...gtfo

5) People are saying the debate was a disaster as if the two participants and moderator contributed equally to make it a disaster and that is such an easy way out. The false equivalence is a MAJOR part of the problem here. They were not equally as bad. How do you debate a maniac who won't shut the F up? How do you control a narcissist? 

Add in the complete lack of compassion for 200,000 dead Americans and their families that did not have to balloon to those numbers AT ALL and the rest of the BS and man, I am just no today.

To counteract in any way possible, I...

-Am still hunting down the best ladies loungewear - perusing that site, and waiting on yoga pant arrivals from JCrew Factory and Stars Above pants from Target. I've had some fails from Amazon. I will go down the list from there.

- Heading to the beach after work with MFD and the best friend dogs

- Killing flies with surprising accuracy

-Vacuuming the crevices of my porch with a wet/dry vac which is oddly satisfying

-Setting all my shit up with my new home warranty - which is through America's Preferred Home Warranty because you can choose your own freaking contractors - but my own Internet keeps routing me to https://www.americanhomebuyer.us/ and I get so confused until I realize I'm in the wrong place

How are you? 

Applying To College - Here's How A Sports Scholarship Can Get You A Free Ride

Written for the Life According to Steph audience by Maggie Hammond,  proud mama to two little people, and has one too many furry friends. Passionate about alternative medicine, education, the great outdoors and animal welfare.

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Making the decision about where to go to college, what you would like to study, and how you’re going to pay for it is tough for anyone. It’s easy to feel completely torn between all the things that you love, and trying to figure out how those things might be able to translate into a career that will give you the standard of life that you are hoping for.

A lot of students who love sports feel as though they need to stop playing them frequently in order to focus on their studies and give themselves a better chance at a career that they can maintain for life. Even if you were to make it as a professional athlete, you can only keep performing at the top of your game for so long before age starts to creep up on you.

You Can Keep Doing What You Love

Sports scholarships actively encourage you to keep playing the sport that you love, AND at the same time, open the door to academic institutions and the benefits that they bring.

Not only are you encouraged to keep playing, but you will be competing for your school. This means that you can pursue your dreams of being a professional athlete, while at the same time getting a great quality education and setting yourself up for a career in the future.

Save Yourself a LOT of Money

A good quality college education is expensive. The US is known for the top tier education that its colleges provide, and students will pay for that privilege. On average, most students are graduating with $132,860 worth of debt from their tuition fees alone. Then on top of that, you will need to consider the cost of accommodation, which can be very pricey if you are living in a city, as well as your day-to-day living costs such as food, broadband, and clothes.

There is financial aid available to help students with the cost of their degrees; however, a lot of people still leave college with a substantial amount of student loan debt which has to be paid back monthly and is consistently accruing interest.

In 2019, ASM secured over 799 sport scholarships for their clients which saved them on average $37,000 per year.

It Can Lead to a Professional Sports Career

A sports scholarship means playing your chosen sport for your school, traveling all over the country, and competing against other college teams in your division. Essentially you will be getting a taste of what it’s like to be a professional athlete, only without the paycheck.

Talent scouts from major leagues like the NFL frequently attend college games and watch for promising young stars that they can recruit when they graduate, so if you have dreams of being a professional athlete, playing college sports is a great way to not only gain valuable experience of what it’s like, but also to get yourself in front of the people who can make your dreams a reality.

You’ll Have a Degree

It could be argued that if your dream really is to be a professional athlete, why not just focus on that and not bother with college at all?

Well, aside from the fact that you wouldn’t get the exposure to major league scouts that we just talked about, along with the valuable experience, the fact is that the career of a professional athlete has a best before date on it. For example, the average retirement age of a professional footballer is 35. Even if you make millions by then and don’t need to worry about earning a living, you will still want to do something that you find meaningful with your life once your athletic career is over. If you already have a degree in a subject that you love, then you will have a lot more options open to you than you would without a degree and the knowledge that comes with it.

You’ll Learn Organization and Motivation

Some schools heavily focus on the sports careers of their sports scholarship students, whereas some equally weigh academic and sporting achievements. It’s definitely worth choosing a school whose values align with your own in this regard. If you want to dedicate an equal amount of time to your studies and your sport, then be sure to choose a school who shares this ideology. In the same way, if you would prefer to focus most of your energy on sports then choose a college who takes its sporting teams seriously.

Whatever type of school you choose, you will need to work hard and maintain your focus if you are going to perform at the standard you need both academically and in the sports world. It will be tough, but the good news is that other people will recognize how tough it is. That means being able to show a prospective employer that you successfully completed college on a sports scholarship will put you ahead of other candidates. The self-motivation and focus that you learn during your time at college will also stand you in good stead if you ever want to start a business of your own, as these are skills that a good entrepreneur must possess.

How Can You Get a Scholarship?

College coaches may start scouting players as young as thirteen, so if you’re serious about getting a sports scholarship, you need to get started as soon as possible.

Of course, it’s also possible that the coach at your dream school may not get the opportunity to scout you! They will be looking at thousands of athletes, so your best bet is to make the first move. Contact the coach at your dream school and express your desire to be a part of their team. This will get them to at least start looking at your record.

Once you have their attention, show them why they should pick you! You could compile a portfolio of all your achievements for them to look through, including video footage and details of scores. A letter of recommendation from your current coach will go a long way, too.

If you don’t hear back from them, keep getting in touch! You might feel as though you are harassing them, but in fact, you are simply proving how dedicated you are.

Finally, understand that scholarships aren’t guaranteed. It’s up to you to decide whether you would accept a scholarship from an alternative school if your first choice doesn’t have one available, or whether you would still attend your first choice school even without the scholarship.

 

 

TWTW - the mostly lazy one

Friday I was supposed to be off for our 10th anniversary, but ended up working until 4 and MFD did as well. He did get us breakfast sandwiches from Bennie's and we hit the beach together at 4. We ate out at a restaurant outside for the first time since March 16 (Ike's on the boardwalk, the Deauville where we got married was over an hour wait for a table outside) and got Kohr Bros pumpkin and walked and had a nice and relaxing night. Check out those beautiful sunglasses from KVSR's company Yunizon though. They are Vamp medium in shimmering crystal mint and the frames are freaking gorgeous. This is a great small, women-owned business to support and I'm not just saying that because it's my BFF's company. Check out their mission and values. 

Saturday MFD left before 8 to get back to Philly. I picked up laundry and books on hold from the library and took the best friends to Dog Beach. We got caught in the rain. The afternoon was a beaut though so after lunch and finishing a book I hit the beach with my sister-in-law and the kids down for our nephew Drew's 16th birthday. I lolled around at night and read. 

Sunday Mindy and the kids left early and I read and walked and did some purging before running errands to HomeGoods and the grocery store. I made salmon and mushrooms and onions in the air fryer, read, and sat on the porch for much of the night. 

I am planning to do some food prep this week - breakfast burritos, power breakfast muffins, deconstructed chicken parm, and some air fryer chicken breasts are all on deck, probably happening today. 

How was your weekend? 

Ten

It suffices as the name of Pearl Jam's debut studio album, so it surely suffices as the title of the tenth anniversary blog post. 

Ten years ago, we got married on a sunny, warmer than normal day in late September down the shore. This month we have been together 18 years and have known each other for 30 years. Sticking to the marriage years, we've gained three dogs and lost one; bought a shore house; physically lost two parents, two grandmothers, great aunts and uncles, aunts and uncles, and many friends; relied on people rooting for us to succeed and said goodbye to people rooting for us to fail; had damage to our house from

a tornado and tangled with quite a few water damage incidents; created dog languages; engaged in 92727383924737 battles of Thermostat Wars; owned at least eight different cars; locked ourselves out of houses and cars a shocking number of times; painted rooms over 20 times; re-did two kitchens; visited South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, California, North Carolina, Florida, Illinois, the Bahamas, St. Thomas, St. Maarten, Mexico, Canada, Ireland, Scotland, Maryland, Massachusetts, Louisiana, South Africa, some locations multiple times and other places I can't think of at the moment; lived through some very fucking serious life threatening times due to addiction; experienced a life reconfiguration via sobriety and are still married because of sobriety; established traditions and when they no longer fit modified or established new; weathered years of financial struggles; watched countless shows; argued about the same shit a million times; laughed about the same shit a million times; learned new things about each other; existed in two different houses; endure(d/ing) two separate campaigns for public office; and so many more big things that seem to be the entire world when they happen but are not as easily recalled as the stupid, inconsequential, you never know when you're making a memory things. 

It's cliche but it's true. When the past 10 years flash before me, it's those slivers of memory not attached to any large or special event that make the reel. Life is indeed in the moments.

This year has been so, so fucking different than I thought it would be. Than the world thought it would be. I have always been and will always be very real about marriage in all spaces I occupy. I am not the person you see on the internet saying I love you more every day or I can't live without you. Neither of those things are true, so I would never say them. What I can say is that we are together for a lot of reasons, many of which are not immediately apparent if you only know us individually or if you know both of us on the surface only. One of the reasons we work so well together is that we cover each other's deficits. This year, my deficit was fucking huge as I operated at about 25% capacity for most of April and May and six months into this way of corona life I am still at 25% on bad days. MFD has stepped it up to 150% to 175% and been an amazing partner. There were a lot of years, especially early in our marriage, where I felt like the partner carrying it all, and it was nice to drop my basket and have it picked up handily this year. And nice in our 10th year of marriage to know that things have changed for the better on a lot of fronts since that warm September day in 2010, and certainly on that one. Growing together is the key.

I was looking through wedding photos this week and thought who are these people? We were so different then. Our lives are almost entirely different now. We have been so many versions of ourselves in all the time we've known each other. We lead an unconventional life for a married couple. We are apart a lot. We give each other a lot of leeway to be who we are as individuals. We didn't have kids and we're happy about it. At this point I feel like you could throw a stick of dynamite in between us and I'd make dinner using the fire while MFD lit a cigarette from it and we'd go on discussing whatever we were discussing and yelling at a dog to stop it. 

Here's this year's collage of photos of us from every month of the last year - see this anniversary collage in 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019. 

L-R: 

1) September 25 - last year's anniversary we went to dinner at Las Margaritas with a gift card, then went to Target. I know. It was amazing.

2) October - Halloween

3) November - A fishing beach day 

4) December - The only month where I have no photo of us together

5) January - New Year's Day, always...this year's will not be at the Mummer's parade for the first time in a while

6) February - Drive By Truckers concert 

7) March - On my birthday, visiting Aunt Carrie and Uncle Jim in Florida before the world shut down 

8) April - Packing food for Recovery Houses at Caring for Friends, a MFD initiative 

9) May - The only picture not taken by one of us - thanks Evan Leslie Images for this porch portrait

10) June - a Sunday night ignoring the world in the North End

11) July - Hitting the beach after work, which was a solid for us the days MFD was at the shore this summer

12) August - tide pool sitting

13) September - one of our days off after Labor Day

Happy 10th Anniversary MFD. I am writing this in advance so while I might love you more today than yesterday, chances are that I don't, but you knew that. We don't have big plans, but we might eat outdoors at a restaurant for the first time since March 16...and that place might be the place we got married. 

Happy happy birthday to Amanda! Love you!

And happy weekend to the rest of you!

Thursday Thoughts - What is it that they're really looking for just a hobby on the internet

1. Mom and Rich were here Monday to last night. It was a nice and relaxed visit. We walked the boards Monday night and saw a lovely sunset. Tuesday after work I hit the beach with them and Mom bought pizza for dinner, and Wednesday we did sunrise and shelling at Corson's Inlet, Mom and I went to the Farmers Market, and we strolled Asbury at lunch. Plus dog walks and general lolling around. 

2. That's right, sunrises are back. No regrets avoiding the wake up before 4:45a, hazy, buggy, crowded summer sunrises in favor of the wake up around 6:20, quiet, my dogs can come fall ones. Best friend dogs are back on the beach seven days earlier than technically permissible. We all break rules (even those law and order people), this is one of my big ones. 

3. This is that Monday night sunset. The waves were big and the currents very strong most of the week from storms churning up. The light has been beautiful at night. 

4. Fall light is wonderful, and it became official on Tuesday. 

5. I saw this on Instagram and bought it. Is it perfect or is it fucking perfect? 

6. I am off Friday and Monday and I frankly cannot wait. 

7. Nails of the week - Essie without reservations - this has some sparkle to it which you can't see well in this photo. Solid fall color. Or any time of year color because we do what we want when we want. 

8. Breonna Taylor was never getting justice under this system which was designed to work to be unjust for Black and brown people. The entire system is guilty. It needs to be abolished and we have to start fresh and build one that is just for ALL people. As Audrey Lord said, the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house." Kentucky has a democrat governor, Louisville has a democrat mayor, the Attorney General is Black and the police chief is Black. NO CHARGES FOR THE POLICE THAT KILLED BREONNA TAYLOR because the goddamn system is working as it was designed to. There is no justice in this systemically racist system even IF people working in it say and believe Black Lives Matter. Even IF people working in it are themselves Black. Charging a police officer for wanton endangerment for his bullets going through walls and possibly killing someone versus not charging him for his bullets going through someone's damn body and actually killing them. How can you not see this? How can there be justice when shooting the walls of a white person's apartment brings charges and killing a Black person with the same bullets during the same incident does not? Legally allowable does NOT equal justice and we all fucking know it. Slavery was legally allowable. How can there be justice when regular people focus on property damage around protests instead of people protesting EN MASSE all over the country over the lived experience of Black people in America? Hell they're protesting on behalf of Black Americans in other countries too. Property over people is a fucked up place to live, and that's why I freak out when people focus on property damage surrounding any protest against racial injustice - it all connects. See where it connects here? What exactly do we mean when we say Make America Great Again? To return to our lips not coming near the same water fountains, our asses not sitting on the same seats, our kids not going to the same schools, our neighborhoods staying lily white, red lining, Jim Crow, Black bodies being used and discarded, Black labor being valued differently? Was America great in those times? What time do we want to go back to when America was great? The entire time we've been racist since the beginning? The incredible horror we've inflicted on the native people and the land? The time when we fought World War II against fascism? Wait, people are against Antifa now, which essentially means being in support of fascism, so that can't be right. It seems like we want to go back to women dying from back alley abortions too. Is that the time? All of the above times? I don't have enough expletives right now. And to quote something I saw on the Internet last night, fuck off I'm not leaving just because it's unjust and fucked up here. There is work to be done. We cannot change the past but we sure as FUCK should not be going back to any time in it because America was NEVER great for ALL of her people. Act right and stop saying Make America Great Again. Your racism is showing. Work to build a better tomorrow for EVERYONE instead. No fucking exceptions. To see how many white people are invested in upholding this system that disproportionately benefits them, read any comment section on the Internet. The longer we hold on to old ways designed to keep a foot on the neck of Black people (read a book, the criminal justice system was literally designed to do this, and modern day police themselves were born from slave catchers-we need to start ENTIRELY OVER), the more the unrest grows and makes everyone less safe. Change is needed for the well being of Black people, brown people, white people, and police of every color. 

9. Reminder

10. E-cards: I'm not kidding.

And you? 

The words following the hyphen are the song I am listening to when I start the Thursday Thoughts post. This week is New Biography by Van Morrison 

Productivity De-Programming

As we enter Fall - which has throughout my life been my most productive season - I am revisiting productivity. It's been nearly five months since I wrote about this  - at the end of April I published how I was once a productive person and living in a global pandemic had killed that vibe - but writing about productivity and how to be productive and maximizing productivity are topics I have visited many times on this blog, in a let me show you my ways way. 

Now I'm coming at it from a fuck my ways way. 

Since the end of March I've spent a lot of time considering where my desire to be constantly productive comes from, what my feelings of accomplishment are tied to, what a good little cog I've been in a capitalist wheel. I've wondered if the extreme exhaustion I feel now is a slow release of air from years of over productivity - of working at a job and filling my mornings and nights and lunches with marking shit off of my lists. Of Saturdays and Sundays not sitting down until I felt like I earned it. Ground down by the grind. 

Why do we feel like rest is the thing that needs to be earned? 

I have been following The Nap Ministry for a while, but I've only been super attuned to it over the past year. It sounds like a cult, but what it has felt like most to me is de-programming. Lowering my expectations of productivity to make room for rest and joy. Don't get me wrong - I still get joy from getting things done, but I am also getting joy from resting and doing nothing before everything is done. I know this is standard for many of you, but it's revolutionary for me. In the past I would not have allowed myself to do that UNLESS everything I wanted and needed to do was done. 

Last week I got up earlier a few days and knocked off like 8-10 house things on my to do list before work, worked, and did the same at night. One of those days was out of necessity - I was still running a vacation rental property and there are tasks that are associated with that that you cannot fuck off on. But the other days it was like getting a fix of that old productivity and going back for more even though I knew I was wearing myself out. I got a shit load done but by Friday night I was so tired I could only sit there with my teeth in my mouth and most of Saturday I gravitated to the couch too after errands. Because I did not let some things ride and crammed as many things as I could into a few time periods even though they were not urgent items, I was mostly not in a good place to enjoy my true free off-work weekend time. That's ridiculous. To think I worked myself like that as a standard for years - and that I am still inclined to do so if I do without thinking - is a good example of just because I can do things, doesn't mean I should. 

I've talked about the value of rest for years, but practicing what I preach has only been happening with regularity this year. At first it was because I was stunned into inactivity and now it's because I'm battling myself for a better balance. A true, lived balance. Not one I suggest for others and proceed to ignore for myself.

How are you making out? 

TWTW - the last one of summer

Friday I finally got one of the stupid mattresses heaved onto my bedframe to unfold to its full gloriousness. At lunch I ran errands to pick up return labels, drop returns to the post office, and to drop cardboard at the recycling center. I got hangry 2/3 of the way in so I picked up a homemade poptart along the way. No regrets. Work through and then read until the awful RBG news came down. I posted about that on Instagram and was harassed by trolls in my DMs because the world is ridiculous. If I ever go harass someone I do not follow but came across due to a hashtag in their DMs please strike me down dead. Immediately. Anyway, RBG was a fellow Ides of March child, a warrior for equality, and a personal hero. The loss is tremendous (on a high holy day no less) and the fight continues. Like, do you guys not know what fascism actually is? I don't think it means what you think it means, and same goes for socialism. 

Saturday I got a jump on the day, loading up a bed frame in my car and went to see Michelle's new place and chat for a while, then I picked up pumpkins and stopped at two places with my trusty measuring tape for side tables. No dice. It feels weird to be erranding but everyone was wearing the masks and here we are. It's also much more tiring than it used to be. I think because I'm super conscious of everything. I was gone for a few hours because if you're going off the island, it seems to always take a while, and when I got back I cut up veggies and made egg salad and onion dip and set my fall shit out. I urged the old dogs to rest in anticipation of MFD busting in with the best friend dogs, which happened around 11. 

Sunday MFD walked both sets of dogs, hallelujah. Our last renter of the season left around 11:30. We went to Dog Beach at high tide and it was absolute mayhem but all dogs enjoyed it. I spent the morning reading inside and the afternoon finishing a book on the porch with the dogs while MFD worked and napped inside. 

I hit the beach in the afternoon and it was windy AF. The wind by the water had a hint of winter to it and I was not okay. I picked dinner up from Island Grill, ate it like I was going to the chair, and took a long sunset walk with the best friends while MFD walked the old dogs close to home. I cleaned the kitchen and powder room up in the house, got the laundry together to drop off on Monday, and MFD got the other king mattress upstairs. He had campaign shit to do so I picked up around the apartment, started and stopped another book, set some blogs up, and crapped around. 

That's it. You? 

Happy birthday to my youngest brother Swan and my nephew Drew, both on Saturday.

A Tale of Three Mattresses

Hello and happy Friday and Happy Rosh Hashanah and happy birthday to my friend of nearly 40 years, Jen. 

Once upon a time, a woman had a plan to change a queen mattress out into a king. She ordered the frame she wanted, and since it was on back order and would not arrive until October 6, she cast only a cursory glance at mattresses. She had time.

Then she got a notification that the king frame would arrive September 8. Ah well, she thought. I'll just store that frame in the apartment until at least after the last rental of the season checking out September 20. 

Then she got excited about increased storage opportunities with higher clearance bed frames. When she bought an industrial storage tote and realized they were not readily available, she started amassing them. She looked around her small apartment at the boxes and thought oh dear, I can't deal with being literally boxed in. Whatever shall I do?

Lightbulb moment - she will order a mattress to arrive on Monday. Guests check out Sunday and new guests don't arrive until Thursday. This will work. She tells her husband he has to help her move things.

Sunday night he moves their king bed and installs a new higher bed frame in their apartment. She gleefully installs storage totes under it, eagerly anticipating doing the same through the main house where there is absolutely no storage. 

Monday arrives. The husband gets rid of a full bed frame/mattress/box spring down four stories. He moves a queen bed frame/mattress box spring up one flight. He moves a queen mattress and box spring out of a room and assembles a new higher queen bed frame. He moves a king bed frame from the ground floor apartment up three stories to await the new king mattress. 

The shadows grow long on the day and the mattress has not appeared. Calls to Linenspa and also FedEx assure the woman the mattress will be there Tuesday. All phone representatives are full of pep and promise. The husband was supposed to leave Monday and is now changing his schedule around to accommodate the new arrival date. 

The outlook is still sunny. Anticipation is still in the air. 

The mattress does not arrive Tuesday. The husband is really pushing it and has to leave. They decide to move their king mattress with no handles up three flights in a 120 year old house with narrow entries and doors. This is not ideal for many reasons, particularly because it has come to the end of its usable life and they are getting rid of it soon and who the fuck wants to move that 100 pound thing up two flights of steps (one twisting requiring a lot of pivots) when they're just going to get rid of it? No one. Nevertheless, they huff and puff and vault their pudgy 43 year old selves over the mattress because thankfully it bends or not a damn thing would be getting up those stairs. They crawl their aging backs under it, maneuvering it all around to the bedroom without breaking anything. They joke that the new mattress will surely arrive right after the husband leaves to go to work an hour and a half away. Which he is late for because the fascist president is in town stopping traffic on highways.

Narrator: The mattress does not, in fact, arrive right after the husband leaves. Nor at any time in the next few hours before the "end of the day" as was promised. Night falls and so do the woman's spirits.

On Tuesday evening phone calls, both the shipping originator and FedEx are less sure of the mattress's ability to arrive and in fact cannot vouch for the mattress's location. There is no pep. There are no promises. 

On Wednesday, there is still no mattress.  

Wednesday phone calls:

FedEx: We don't know where it is, but it will surely arrive today.

Me: That's what you said Monday about Tuesday and Tuesday about Wednesday. If it's lost it's cool, I know you are all overloaded with stuff especially during this pandemic, just need to know so I can cancel and place another order. I need a bed.

FedEx: uh we escalated this to an investigation yesterday, we'll call you right back 

no call back

The woman decides to cancel the mattress and re-purchase from Amazon even though the couple is trying not to feed Jeff Bezos but this is what you fucking get when you avoid Amazon. 

Mattress people: Oh no, we understand, we'll certainly cancel and refund. If it shows up you can just refuse delivery or call us and we'll send FedEx back for it. 

Woman: I don't want to be a Karen, but this is your problem now. You can try to nail FedEx down on if this package even still exists. I have someone renting my house. I don't have anywhere to store a huge 110 pound item. I have been anticipating this package's arrival since Sunday. I'm emotionally unavailable to wait for the arrival of this package or deal with it if it ever does arrive. It's not you. It's me.

Mattress people: Oooookay Ma'am. Okay. We'll issue a refund and contact FedEx.

Refund received, new mattress ordered from the Amazon machine to be delivered on Friday. Woman goes about her business. 

Thursday afternoon the mattress no one could locate on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday arrives in the driveway and is deposited next to the renter's car. No notifications of delivery are received. No FedEx trucks in sight. It's like a fairy farted it out and it dropped without a sound. 

The woman huffs and puffs and drags and pleads and busts the screen on the screen door trying to get the mattress box inside. 

Friday morning the second mattress arrives. Delivery man is super nice and deposits mattress inside. 

Two new king mattresses for the price of one. If you drive by on Monday, you might see a third king mattress being ejected from the third story because that shit is not being carried down.

The End. 

Thursday Thoughts - you seem very well, things look peaceful

1. I don't even know where to start. This week has blown my socks off. There is a whole ass bed saga that I don't have the strength for today - my plan is to write that real quick tomorrow and we all know how plans have gone this year am I right - but I've been without one in the apartment since Tuesday and by tomorrow I'll have two but will only be out the money for one. Don't ask. Well, do, but wait until I tell you tomorrow. Aside from that it's been get up and do shit, then work which has of course been insane also because when one thing ramps up so does everything else, then do shit at lunch, then do shit after work, and fall out exhausted at midnight, and up by 6 and repeat. I'm looking forward to some relaxing this weekend. 

2. I've also had two incidents of jamming the same pinky this week - between a storage tote and a door frame and also into a big mama exterior trash can - to the point where it would not even bend yesterday and running over toes and then jamming those same toes on two different grocery shopping carts on two different days. Jesus take the wheel. My hobo looking nails were this week's jagged little pill. 

3. Speaking of Alanis, I was scream singing songs from Jagged Little Pill all over shore highways last night. I've been running all over picking shit up all week because no larger stores are close to this house - storage totes, king pillows - and can I just say how much I really enjoy the order online and wait in the parking lot pick up services that are a result of corona? I stopped down near Corson's on the way back last night for this pic, which would have been a stunning sunset if there was not high smoke from the fires out west. Imagine sitting in your home in another country and watching America figuratively and literally burning. 

4. Our last rental of the season checked in today (two hours early) and man I am fucking beat from this year. MFD did a lot of cleaning on Monday and Tuesday and I finished it out last night and this morning. I also reorganized under all beds and he moved a lot of furniture. One more cleaning on Sunday, then it's family and friends only from here on out and they are the cleaners or they pay the cleaners. Whatever it is, I am not the cleaner for anyone except myself now and I am happy.

5. About those nails mentioned above...I painted them this afternoon and this color is amazing. I think it's from the fall or Halloween-ish collection?

6. Library days have been so infrequent this year. Yesterday was one. And I'll slip a little t-shirt of the day in there because I do what I want. I know everyone is like summer left without warning but my sweet spot weather-wise is shorts and long sleeves, or even pants and long sleeves. No coats and no socks. 

7. Let's. 

8. A trillion eye rolls at complaints. 

9. Reminder every damn person on earth should be growing like a weed right now

10. E-cards: 

Skidding in better late than never with Thursday Thoughts this week. 

The words following the hyphen are the song I am listening to when I start the Thursday Thoughts post. This week is You Oughta Know by Alanis 

Awkward writing about not writing

It's weird to write here at least three but often four to five times a week since 2011 then to abruptly stop doing so in March, like most other things abruptly stopped. To know I can come and do that, to want to do that, to think about doing that, but to end up most days not doing that. 

My friend Janet commented on one of my post shares on facebook asking if she was missing posts or if I wasn't sharing them as frequently. It got me thinking why I'm not showing up here. 

All of my fellow bloggers know one of the things I hate is when bloggers are like omg so sorry I haven't been showing up to this little space ugh, fucking gross. No one cares. 

That is true in this case also, but I have been working through why I'm not writing. It is a huge part of who I am and what I do, and always has been. I have always been writing to myself, as early as I can remember. Stupid things like what I wore that day and what I thought about x. I don't care if the writing is good or has a point, and once I started putting it out publicly on this blog, that held. This just happens to be where I write now. I don't know why I am interested in capturing absolute minutia, but it makes me happy. It's comforting. It gets out what I need to get out, even when it's awkward like this is. 

This has been the place I've shared so much shit, and not all of it is pretty or interesting or consequential. This has been how I've publicly journaled a lot of what I'm doing - which I still do, because TWTW and Thursday Thoughts are about the only things that have by and large survived the coronavirus - but I've stopped capturing a lot of the little things. No one is missing a post about how the light frames my porch in the early evening, but I miss writing that. It's not about what I'm not sharing with the world. It's about hiding from myself. 

At first it was a lack of creativity, from pandemic brain, and I had to save whatever I had for work. That is still the case a little, and it is absolutely also an issue of I don't want to stare at any screen for another minute, but it's also an issue of existing in a state of self-induced task oriented days to avoid thinking and feeling too much. 

Because I've stopped capturing a lot of the big things too, and part of that is how many times can I write about the same shit. Even if it is shit that really, really matters. That I should at least write about in how it relates to my thoughts and feelings, because I am not the same as I was in March. None of us are. I don't want to miss out on this version of myself because it's too exhausting to look at the world around me. 

Like what a mindfuck this pandemic world continues to be, in a roller coaster fashion, so that I'm feeling fine and then, as my friend Lisa said in a comment on IG, something triggers it and it rears its ugly head. None of us have lived through a global pandemic before. We don't know how to be or feel. We don't know what the fuck we're doing. 

The country burning, literally and figuratively, is something I can barely even mention in Thursday Thoughts anymore. I remember back in 2016, telling myself to just pace myself and not get outrage fatigue. I've had that a million times over. No matter what happens people still support an administration that does really fucking terrible shit daily, either in an aggressive fashion like performing hysterectomies on women they have detained in squalid cells or in a silent but deadly fashion like disbanding every damn law and rule and practice that protects the environment or deals with any way in the climate crisis and we all suffer. Writing about that is either shouting into an echo chamber or talking to a wall. No one who likes donald trump or the hideous conservative agenda we entered starting back in the tea party years gives a fuck about anything I say, they just want to win over the libs at all costs. 

And the cost is so fucking high. I see the strain on my face from all of it every time I look in the mirror. I see the strain on the faces around me, masks or not. A lot of it is in the eyes and the brow. 

I spent much of 2018 talking about MFD's run for office, and the toll it was taking on all aspects of our lives. I have spent the past few months avoiding writing about that, but that does not mean the strain is not there. 

Many days I feel like I am traveling along a long road of fine lines to not push myself over the million edges we're all walking along right now. I know many people feel the same. I see you out there. 

I have spent years talking about registering to vote, and actually voting in every election (not just presidential), and being involved in the community and how to get involved on a local or national level with making a change if you want to see one. How to register to vote if you have never registered, whether you are 18 or 49. How to help in the next under 50 days if you don't want to make phone calls or knock on doors. Whatever you want to do or are interested in, please email me. I am happy to talk to anyone at any time about any of these things. How can I help you help? 

I need to show up for myself somehow in this space, because not doing so feels like I am missing. This is a foray into that. If you happened to read it, hi, and happy Wednesday (right?), and how are you?