Yesterday marked seven years of marriage for us. This year has not been one of the easier ones on many levels but we're here, looking forward to the next year in this world together. Speaking of the future...when we were engaged and going through all the hoopla, I was told or read many pieces of time honored advice and closely held convictions of others about what marriage is or should be. If we would have listened to them over doing what worked for us, we'd be sunk. The truth is every marriage is different. Every couple is different. You have to do what works for you. Chart your own course.
These things have not worked for us.
1. Don't go to bed angry. Fuck that! Fuck that right now. We've gone to bed angry many nights, sometimes more than one night in a row. Marriage and life in general are complicated. Some shit is a big deal and takes time to sort through. Having to pretend to not be angry anymore before bed would go up my ass sideways.
2. Keep date night. We're married. Isn't every night date night?
3. Keep her happy with flowers. I appreciate them, especially when they are the cheapies from Produce Junction but am totally okay with buying my own. I'd take no dishes in the sink over a pretty bouquet any day of the week.
4. A house is not a home without children. It is a home. Sometimes it's more than one. Wink wink to everyone out there who thinks they have the okay to comment on the reproductive choices of others. We don't need kids to start a family. We are a family.
5. Nobody likes a nag. Nobody likes shit that doesn't get done for days. If I asked for it to be done and it's not done, you'll hear about it whether you're my husband, my contractor, or God.
6. Be everything to each other. Good for you, not for us. See number four below. Also, MFD is not my best friend and I am not his. We are very good friends though.
7. Act like divorce is not an option. It is an option. It's good when you know you'd choose to stay. That is not possible in some situations and I'm not participating in that farce.
Things that have worked in our marriage:
1. Share experiences, not gifts. I am a practical gift giver, which is not MFD's favorite. He is an expensive gift giver, which gives me anxiety. We both enjoy shared experiences, dinners out, travel, etc. much more, so that's what we do now. Or we buy what we want and say thanks, you got me this and I really love it.
2. Not freaking out over being out of sync. Life is long. So is marriage. It'll come around. It will require some work like all things worth having, but it'll come around.
3. Sit beside each other in pain. You can't fix some things, you can't take away pain, you can't solve things, you can't heal things but you can sit and BE there through it. You are the constant and the constant is enough.
4. Space. We do not do everything together. I cannot think of something either of us would hate more.
5. Appreciating the little things. The little things add up to more than the big things.
6. Practicing self care. If one of us is not doing that, our marriage buckles under the imbalance. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else - including being there for your partner.
7. Laughter, always.
1 - 9/24/16 whale watching in Cape May; 2 - 9/25/16 anniversary sunrise in OCNJ; 3 - October 2016 Powerscourt Waterfall in Wicklow, Ireland; 4 - November 2016 in Edinburgh, Scotland; 5 - December 2016 at Crystal & Drey's wedding; 6 - New Year's Day January 2017; 7 - February 2017, a 70 degree day prompted a trip to the beach with the dogs; 8 - March 2017 a frigid day to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge and see Book of Mormon; 9 - April 2017 Regina Brave event at the Peace Center; 10 - May 2017 a cold Memorial Day weekend at the shore; 11 - June 2017 in Corsons Inlet; 12 - July 2017 in Emerald Isle, NC after a few days in Ocracoke; 13 - August 2017 Friday afternooning in the North End; 14 - 9/24/17 late anniversary eve on the beach
What works and doesn't for you?
