It's the end of the world as we know it and I do not feel fine

Yesterday I compared this week to a down on its luck country song, and I wanted to be able to come back today and say that feeling is gone but it's not.

Don't worry, I am not going to be the person who talks daily about how her dog is dying. But he is, and that is affecting me in a major way so to ignore it is inauthentic. I can't have this blog if I can't be authentic. I cannot show you my joy and refuse to acknowledge my pain. Please don't feel like you have to say you're sorry or anything every time because that is annoying for you, you know? Just send some love.

On one hand I feel like I can't keep writing about this and on the other hand I feel like I can't stop. I know, you're like please...stop. LOL. I don't want to talk about it and I can't stop talking about it to myself. I don't care about anything else and that makes me angry with myself because there are so many other things to care about. I am trying to get through the day at work without crying at my desk (about half successful all week) so I can go home and be alone. I prefer to be sad alone. It was good for me that MFD was in Houston all week.

Monday night I cried and moped and Tuesday night I was in a fog. Both nights I was in bed before 9 pm. All of those things are quite foreign to me - if I cry, I am a quick crier. I don't mope and I don't walk around in a fog unless I have taken conflicting cough medicines and made myself feel like I was on ludes (are they still a thing?). Wednesday night I set out to be more productive and that's when I felt the best. If I am upset about something, I am most comfortable with action, even little things unrelated to what I'm upset about. So I tried. With my usual little self care perk me up things.

Like fresh nails in one of my favorites, OPI My Private Jet. I never use this color without singing I see a line of cars and they're all painted black

I started a new book and said fuck it to two, one that never worked for me and one I loved but felt like I couldn't spend another minute reading. I've gotten more ruthless in the past few months with my do not finish books. And another great Show Us Your Books month, of course. I am still getting around to reading the last 10 linker uppers. Did you catch up with the end ladies?

I saw my niece and I think she was literally the only thing I smiled about on Tuesday. It is impossible to not smile at her. She's funny.

I made a batch of power breakfast muffins to freeze. I always feel better having frozen food ready.

Shoe purging and organization has begun. When things feel chaotic, simplify. Simplify. And if your handwriting is like mine, for God's sake use a label maker. We're not heathens.

Fresh sheets + completed laundry. Freshness never hurt anyone.

Dogs. Always dogs. The incredible love they give is worth the heartache of watching them wane. 

Because it is fucking heartbreaking and it's not going to be something that can be solved with my usual perk myself up tricks. Last night MFD returned from Houston and I was back to laying around crying all night. I want to say I've gotten a grip, I'm handling this! But I haven't and I'm not and that's just how it is.

I think what surprises me the most about how I'm dealing with this is that I'm very straight forward when people I love die. I am sad, sure. I will miss them forever, of course. But I am also very circle of life and I handle it better. I am usually the one in the funeral line who does not cry. When it's time for someone, it's time. I accept that and I want them to have peace. I of course want my dogs to have the same but I want their time to be up when my time is up. For the millionth time, I wish my dogs could talk. This is animal grief this week, and it is ugly.

But this weekend, to the beach, which Geege has always loved. We'll carry him down to give him what might be his last few days in the sun.

Enjoy your weekend. Hug your people! Hug your dogs.