For a good portion of my life, people who didn’t deserve my forgiveness came to mind. My brain started firing like a machine gun and my chest got tight. Why should I just forgive someone who wronged me? They should have to pay in some way. It should be something I can hang over their head, possibly for eternity.
Every time I thought about the situation, my chest would begin to agitate like a washing machine. Back and forth between negativity and rage and sadness and then the spin cycle wrung me out and I was just washed out. It was a lot of work churning up all that negativity.
I used to think being forgiving showed weakness. Then I got my head out of my ass and realized the opposite is true – weak people hold on to their hurts and pride themselves on not forgiving. They make their hurts a part of them and blame their hurts for what's wrong in their lives. Weak people give their hurts all the power. It takes a strong person to be knocked down, to stand up again and not allow negativity to claim their lives. It takes a strong person to forgive.
Forgiveness is not about absolution. You are not telling someone it's okay to mistreat you. Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. Forgiveness has nothing to do with anyone besides you.
When you don’t forgive, you carry the hurt. You grow bitter, resentful, and oversensitive. And when you've been fucked by life in general or are a victim of circumstance, what then? How do you get over it without forgiving it? There’s a reason being happy is infinitely easier than being locked in battle with yourself or someone else. Negative emotions take an incredible amount of energy to hold aloft. In order to hold a grudge, you have to keep bringing yourself down to a place of pain.
When you do that, there’s no room for anything good and you're too tired to make good happen. You can’t grow as a person because you’re holding yourself back and living in the past. In addition to being hurt, you’re stunting yourself. Not too smart, is it?
I’d rather acknowledge that someone hurt me, accept it, say I forgive it and let it go. I’m not giving it any more space in my brain or my heart. I'm taking back the power. I choose what to expend my energy on, and it’s not going to be spent on bullshit or picking at old scabs. I won't hang on to or blame the past. I will own my present and make my future. I won't be a victim. I will be a fucking warrior.
Sometimes while forgiving people I realize it’s not healthy for them to be in my life anymore so I give them the boot. Forgiving does not mean forgetting in some cases, and while people deserve a lot of chances, I don't think that number is limitless. However, more often forgiving someone leads to a better relationship between us. Everyone makes mistakes and hurts people they love, intentionally and unintentionally as well. If you’d want forgiveness from someone, you need to be someone who gives it to others. We all need mercy and we all need to show mercy at times.
If you're holding on to old hurts right now, throw a private forgiveness party and kick that shit to the curb toot sweet. And the next time you come up against something painful, don’t hold on to it like it's a badge of honor. Process it as quickly as you can and move towards the positive. Don’t give someone else’s actions the power to dictate how you feel about yourself or how you live your life. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Take a deep breath and reclaim your power.
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