The C word.

Relax! Not that C word. I'm talking about confrontation, a word some also consider a dirty word.

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I'm here to tell you it's not a dirty word. It's all in how you go about it and why you go about it. The first thing to ask yourself is what you're looking to get out of confronting someone. Do you want to resolve a conflict and reach an understanding? Or do you want to tell someone all about how much they suck? Because that's telling someone to get bent, which is a different matter entirely. It's not confrontation in the name of conflict resolution. I have lots of tips for telling someone off, see me after class for those. Right now we're talking about confrontation.

Why is confrontation even a thing?  Allowing things build up to an epic crescendo isn't good. Usually letting anger and resentment fester results in a blowup in a time and place that isn't desirable over something that really doesn't matter. If you have something to say, say it plainly and be done with it. Confront the issue.

I know, for some people it's not that easy.

Do you get the confrontation jitters? Does your voice rise in pitch? Do you feel like you might pass out? Take a deep breath. Be calm and share your feelings. You're not a general leading your troops into war, so don't make an offensive charge towards your opponent and don't plan your defenses.

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When we get defensive, we put up walls and stop communicating. Keep listening even when it's hard. Some things are hard to say and some are hard to hear. Remember that your truth is not necessarily the truth. If there are two people in a situation, both share some percentage of blame for getting there. Accept your part and work it out.

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Talk to whoever you're talking to and not at them. Talking to people encourages give and take discussion. Talking at someone pisses them off and they either tune you out or freak out. If someone starts shouting at you or being aggressive, reflect the negativity back onto them and ask why they're shouting or being aggressive. That should neutralize the situation and enable a productive confrontation to continue.

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Of course, not all confrontations will be productive. You will not always reach a balance.

Sometimes the person you're confronting isn't ready to deal with the issue at hand. You can't force someone into addressing something.

Sometimes you're making a big deal out of nothing. The small things usually aren't worth the confrontation, and if you go balls to the wall about every little thing, people will lose their patience for you. Pick your battles.

Sometimes it just isn't worth it. Every once in a great while we're in a no win situation with someone. In that case, I normally step back, adjust my expectations of our relationship, and go on without confrontation. It's not worth my energy.

Sometimes you're not ever going to get the outcome you need. A person's season in your life might be up, and it's best to just let the relationship fade out rather than confront them on something you know in your heart will never change, no matter what you say or do. If that thing is a deal breaker, bid them adieu.

Sometimes nothing will cure a situation except a punch in the face. Just kidding! Actually sometimes nothing will help except a little cooling off and time. Life is long, arguments are short. Give it a breather and some distance.

Standing up for yourself is good. Getting amped up over confrontation to the point where you can't actually make your point or wasting your energy on confrontation that isn't going to do you any good are bad. Know yourself, know what pushes your buttons, know what you want from people and situations, and do what you can to work with someone to get to that place.

Excuse me, I need to get a donut. It is Fat Tuesday.